Ali's Story
“There’s a quote from Dr Seuss, ‘don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’. That’s what Toby would’ve wanted and Toby’s love will keep me going forever.”
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- Ail's Story
Almost two years since her husband Toby died of bowel cancer, Ali Bevans, says his love and the support of Thames Hospice have helped their two children and her find a way through the grief.
With the help of the hospice’s Children and Family Support Team, Freddie, 11 and Tilda, 10, are able to talk about their dad and face their feelings.
“So, Toby was diagnosed in January 2024 and passed away in the June – if anything can come out of this situation, I want to show the children that you can find a way through, because I think unfortunately, as we’ve experienced, it doesn’t always go to plan. I don’t want the children to give up. I don’t want to give up. They’re so young.”
When Toby was referred to Thames Hospice after extensive treatment and a long hospital stay, Ali says they weren’t sure what to expect.
“At first I did have a level of confusion as to how they were going to help us,” added Ali.
That feeling soon dissipated though, especially when Miranda, Thames Hospice Children and Family Support Worker, got involved at an early stage.
“When you first call them, suddenly the thought of the nights became less scary,” Ali says.
“Miranda very quickly tapped into how Matilda loves her arts and crafts and listened to Freddie and his cricket chat. It’s so lovely because they have that time to talk about what’s going on.”
Miranda and her colleagues see children under 18 both in their homes, at school and in the Hospice if required and help families communicate in these very difficult circumstances.
“Sometimes it’s really hard for families to talk to the children for fear of upsetting them and also really hard for children to talk to their parents sometimes because they don’t want to upset them,” she adds.
“It’s really important for children to see their parents’ emotions. It’s ok to be upset because it’s a really sad time and if you hold those emotions inside you they build up and they build up and then come out in an outburst when you don’t want them to come out.”
Ali shares how tough it was parenting two young children dealing with the loss of their father, while trying to come to terms with it herself too.
“It took me by surprise how exhausting grief is. The energy to help children through grief as well. It is a lot, because it is almost like you are grieving for three people.”
That’s where the support Miranda was providing Freddie and Tilda proved so beneficial not just for them, but for their mum too – in addition to the services she was accessing for herself at Thames Hospice.
“When the children went back to school in September, I think that is when I finally took a minute for myself. The sessions I had with the counsellor at the hospice were really great. I had a bit of reiki and reflexology too. Just knowing that you’ve got people around you is the one thing that can help.”
As the family approaches the second anniversary of Toby’s death, on Father’s Day 2024, Ali reflects on a favourite quote that she believes would really chime with him.
“There’s a quote from Dr Seuss, ‘don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’. That’s what Toby would’ve wanted and Toby’s love will keep me going forever.”